


Over

by Cherubkeiji



Category: Haikyuu!!
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emotional Hurt, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Hospitals, Huge trigger warning, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Mental Health Issues, Self-Harm, Self-Hatred, Suicide, Suicide Attempt, depressed
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2016-05-02
Updated: 2017-11-04
Packaged: 2018-06-06 00:37:41
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,273
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6730189
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Cherubkeiji/pseuds/Cherubkeiji
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Depression.</p><p>Once again, it was rearing it's ugly, repulsive head; ripping through skin and surrounding him like a thick bleach, stinging and burning and cleansing Koushi from all possible happiness.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Not gunna lie, I cried a bit whilst writing this. 
> 
> I am fully aware that depression for everyone is different, there is no right or wrong way to be depressed, yet I write from my very own personal experiences. 
> 
> I actually wrote this mainly as an outlet, I needed to get the most part of my own feelings out and this is the result, but because of this, it is unedited and of a very low quality.
> 
> I would also like to request that, although I appreciate constructive criticism, I would be greatful if no one commented anything negative.
> 
> Despite that, I welcome all positive comments and kudos! 
> 
> I hope you enjoy reading this,  
> (*^▽^*)

Depression. Once again, it was rearing it's ugly, repulsive head; ripping through skin and surrounding him like a thick bleach, stinging and burning and cleansing Koushi from all possible happiness. 

He would have laughed at all the glamorised, unrealistic stories and films. But the devastating truth is, is that it's not funny. The idea that someone spends a few nights, gently crying with symmetrical cuts up their arms and a lover holding them, caring for them at all hours of the night, saying their self mutilations were beautiful. It's not real, none of it. 

Koushi would know.

The reality is horrific. 

Being awake until 5 am everymorning, sobbing with a flimsy blade, angrily slashing arms and thighs and stomach. Messy. Bloody. Savage. His pillow covers covered in dried snot, too unmotivated to change his bedding, he knows he's disgusting anyway, it wouldn't make a difference. 

In the summer, hiding the scars from Koushi's parents is more than unpleasant. Worse than a slight discomfort. Sweat. Sweat clinging to his arms, to his open, fresh cuts is easily comparable with squeezing lemon onto them. The heat is even more troublesome due to Koushi giving up on bandaging and cleaning his cuts. Pointless. However because of this, blood would often be sucked into his brightly coloured clothing, staining shirt sleeves with a rusty brown. 

Koushi soon replaced colour with black.

He had long ago also given up on his attempt at hiding his wounds from his team mates. After coming to practice drained, after an especially tormenting night and angry, red, fresh cuts smothering his arms whilst going the entire practice without anyone commenting on them, Suga knew there was no point in hiding them. 

No one cared anyway.

If a single teammate honestly cared, they would have mentioned the cuts, yet not a single person voiced a single comment towards him, nor tried to comfort him on the subject. Not even Daichi. 

It made sense, really though. He wasn't needed on the team, Koushi was unnecessary. A waste of space. Kageyama had stolen his place of official setter within half a year. 

No, not stolen. Earned.

It had taken Koushi over a year to even become somewhat of a lower-than average, official setter. Pathetic.  
He was also a useless friend. Being stupid and hypocritical and he even punched his friends a few times. Disgraceful. 

His appearance didn't help the way he felt towards himself.

No, the romanticised and glamorised ideas of depression were bullshit. 

Daichi wasn't holding him at 4 am, telling him his mutilations were beautiful and that he loved them.

No.

Daichi was probably sleeping peacefully. Happily. 

Koushi was led, sobbing into his pillow, blood smeared on his bed sheet and arms. 

He felt so alone and wished he could die.

Pulling off his bloody and snotty duvet, Suga stumbled to the bathroom, coming back with his hands full of medicine boxes. One including that of paracetamol; the other, sleeping pills. Pouring as many that'll fit into both hands.

Sobbing and shaking.

Swallowing.

He felt sick and dizzy and couldn't stop crying, whining.

Saliva covered his chin and Koushi felt his heart pounding more than ever before. 

Laying back down, mindlessly pulling his duvet over himself, Sugawara closed his eyes and hoped, prayed, that he'd never wake up.

That it'd be over.


	2. The Morning After

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> “I…I’m sorry mummy…” Koushi gulped before releasing a breath and whispering, “Last…last night I tried to kill myself.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey!  
> So, I'm back and I've decided to turn this into a multi-chapter fic.
> 
> I've had my own personal experience when it comes to hospitals and suicide attempts, so I'm pretty much just running off that? Sorry if this is different for why other people may know. 
> 
> I've tried to keep this as medically accurate as possible, and also, for Suga to be written and portrayed as realistically as possible. 
> 
> Despite this, everyone's own experiences with suicide attempts, depression and mental health's different, so I am not trying to personally offend anyone if something does not follow a reaction you may expect, or if it does not follow your own experiences. 
> 
> Comments and likes really motivate me to keep writing, and so I would be though roughly grateful if you wouldn't mind stopping to do so. 
> 
> I also plan on generally making chapters a lot longer than that is below, I just wanted to get something out today and didn't have the time to make it any longer. Due to this, this chapter is also unedited, so if you find any mistakes please don't batter me.
> 
> Thankyou, and I hope you enjoy this!  
>  
> 
> The lyrics at the beginning are from Teenage Whore by Hole.

_I said, "I feel so alone and I, I wish I could die"_

_I've seen the things you put me through and I, I wish I could die_

 

“Koushi, time to get up, you’ve _already_ missed practice this morning.”

Groaning, Koushi sighed into his pillow before clutching his stomach. The setter felt confusion at the immense sickness and pain that had taken form in his mid-section, until everything came back to him. The night prior, he had tried to end it all.

 _Another_ suicide attempt.

But this time, he had taken more pills than ever before. With the daunting knowledge that he either had to confess to his parents of his actions, or go to school whilst possibly passing out or dying in front of everyone, Koushi quickly came to the equally terrifying decision that telling his parents for his attempt would be the easiest and most likely best idea.

Koushi dragged himself out of bed, arms wrapped around his stomach, and made his way to the kitchen, where he heard his mother making herself a mug of tea.

“Mu-mummy” the setter whimpered, whilst catching the attention of his mother.

“What is it?” His mother replied, eyes scanning his arms around his stomach. “even if you feel sick, you still have to go in today." Rolling her eyes, “You’ve had too many days off this year, Koushi. Did you think I’m not aware of how many of those stunts have been fake? I’ve been kind enough to let you have those days off, aware that the stress of your exams can be a lot on your mental health, but they start in a month and a half Koushi! You’re missi-”

“I…I’m sorry mummy…” Koushi gulped before releasing a breath and whispering, “Last…last night I tried to kill myself.”

Haruka Sugawara paused at the interruption of her rant. Looking out the window, her hands tightened around the pastel mug. Taking a moment to process what the depressed teen had said, she replied “What did you do, Koushi? What did you take?.”

Tears welling in his eyes, Koushi tightened his hold of his stomach. “Pain killers…” Oh the ironisity. The young Sugawara had taken the paracetamol in an attempt to kill his pain, but the result left him worse off.

After placing her mug on the granite counter top, Haruka closed the distance between the mother and son, and wrapped her arms around him. Sighing, she mumbled into his neck “ I’ll take you to the hospital, it will be the best thing for you. I’ll phone the school and let them know that you won’t be going in. I shan’t tell them the details, baby.” Pulling away and taking a moment to collect herself, Haruka further said “ telling your father won’t be a…great idea. Not for the time being. We’ll have to wait until he leaves for work, then we’ll head off.”

Koushi removed a hand from his stomach and wiped his eyes, sniffling. “I’m going to go back to bed until then. I feel…I feel really ill.”

After slightly stumbling back upstairs to his room, the only bedroom on the second floor, the setter managed to lightly drift back to sleep for nearly an hour, before his mother opened the door to his room.

“Koushi, dear. Are you ready to leave? Your father left for work about ten minuets ago…” Seemingly unsure of what else to announce, Haruka turned to leave, before stopping herself. Hand resting on the door frame, she finished. “I’ll be waiting in the car. I…I love you.”

“I love you too, mum.” Was all Suga was able to reply, before his mother left to get in the car. For the second time that morning, the teen heaved himself out of bed; unplugged his phone, shoving it in a small backpack that was hung on the corner of a radiator, along with his ear phones. A half drank bottle of water lay in the bag prior, yet Koushi felt no need to remove it. Zipping up the bag and grabbing a dull, beige, knitted cardigan; Koushi headed to the front door.

After locking the door and getting in the passenger seat of the car, the depressed setter found himself lost in the quiet background noise of the radio, which his mother had put on whilst waiting for her son to get get in the car.

The thirty minuet car ride was spent otherwise in silence, both passenger and driver lost in their own thoughts.

Once the car neared the hospital, Haruka broke the silence. “Do you want to me to drive to the mental health ward and see if Dr Amane is there? If not, we could see if there’s another psychologist there to see you?”

“Mum, I think I need to go to the A&E wing.” Came the pained reply, before groaning. “I really, really don’t feel good. My stomach hurts and I feel really dizzy and… yeah…”

Sighing, his mother quickly pulled into the Accident and Emergency wing, before pulling into a vacant space. Looking around for a moment, Haruka turned to her son. “The sign says I can park here for half an hour, then i’ll have to leave you to go to the main car park.” Koushi nodded, and following his mothers lead, collected his belongings and got out of the car.

After making sure the vehicle was locked, the mother and son made their way through the automatic doors of the hospital and to the reception desk. After waiting a few minuets for the people in front of them to disperse, they stepped forward.

The female receptionist looked up. “Hello, how can I help you?”

Haruka glanced over at her son for a moment, before taking initiative and replied for him. “My son took a lot of paracetamol last night.”

Koushi took note of how his had mother avoided saying that he had tried to kill himself, before starring at the landscape outside of the window, across the room. Once his mother had told the receptionist her sons details, such as school and age, the pair made their way to the seats at the far end of the room, without acknowledging the other few patients the room held on an early monday morning.

Whilst his mother looked at the news, which was quietly playing on the television set near the ceiling, the pained Sugawara mumbled out several “Ow”s, now rubbing his mid-section, with his back bent over and head resting on his knees.

“Mum, I feel really bad. I might vomit.” the boy quietly announced in a daze, feeling a simultaneous increase in general stomach pain, heart beat, dizziness and sickness.

“I know, baby.” Was the reply that met him, along with a gentle rub on the back. “Look, you wait here and i’m going to have to go and move the car. I shouldn’t be too long.” Haruka took a moment before carrying on. “ If you think you’re going to be sick, there’s a toilet near the door, by the reception desk. Also, if you ask the nice lady at the desk, i’m sure she’ll have something for you to be sick in.” With that, his mother got up and left.

Feeling tears gather in his eyes, for what felt like the millionth time that day, Koushi pulled himself up, before staggering to the receptionist. Once given a cardboard bowl type device, Suga took a seat, opposite the toilet door and next to the automatic doors; put on his cardigan and sighed.

How stupid. How stupid and worthless and _useless_ was he?

_Stupid._

_Stupid._

_STUPID_.

Koushi sniffed.

He couldn’t even fucking kill himself. It was no wonder Kageyama had taken over his spot as the teams official setter. It was no fucking wonder that Daichi and Asahi hardly looked at him, let alone spoke to him anymore.

It was hardly a surprise that the entire team _never_ invited him on get togethers with them, or to hang out, or to even be around him. Why, oh _why_ would you want to be around a disgusting, selfish imbecile? He probably made them feel sick from just _looking_ at him.

At the though of ‘sick’, Koushi burst into the toilet, barely remembering to lock the door behind him, and gagged several times before his stomach tensed, and a mixture of bile, water and a slight taste of the chemical taste of paracetamol was the released from the boys body. After several minuets of the repeated process, Koushi wiped his running nose and mouth with the back of his hand. A year ago, he would have at least felt some disgust at the idea of having rest his head on a public toilet and being covered in vomit, Koushi now felt nothing towards this idea, as he soaped and washed his hands, before stumbling back to his seat opposite the toilet.

He was disgusting anyway, it wouldn’t make a _fucking_ difference to him anymore.

He wished he was dead.

Koushi had often heard the saying ‘Be careful what you wish for, as it may just come true.”

He wished _even harder_ that he would die.

Koushi should never have told his mother of this whole event. Thinking back at how _stupid_ he had been, as per usual, he concluded that dying at school in the middle of class, or walking to practise, would have been better than this.

Than being _alive_.

An embarrassing death would mean nothing, anyway. Koushi was already an embarrassment. To his family, teammates, classmates, teachers, everYON-

_No._

For the first time in weeks, Koushi thought back to his psychologist and what he had said he should tell himself.

I am important. I know this because otherwise my parents wouldn’t do everything they do for me.

I am cleaver. I know this because I have higher test results that some other people. I used to obtain some of the highest grades in the class. This shows that my brain, and I, have a high capacity for intelligence.

I used to be the Official Setter for Karasuno’s male Volleyball Team. This shows I am capable, and the fact that I sometimes get swapped into matches when Kageyama needs to calm down shows that I am _still_ capable.

Koushi released a small breath in _amusement_.

_But that’s bullshit._

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! How did it go? I know it's super angsty, right? Please make sure to leave kudos and comment and to share this! 
> 
>  
> 
> Thankyou for reading!  
> Btw, Hit me up on instagram for some fangirl discussions and stuff @t0xicfairy I'd love to gain some friends fyi bc I currently don't have any.


End file.
